Karma

I'm not overly superstitious. I don't shy away from black cats who would cross my path. I don't throw salt that I've spilled over my shoulder. Although I am slightly terrified of anything that moves in the dark, this is only because that thing is likely a bear, or a zombie. I think we can all agree that this fear is completely rational and justified.

I do, however, believe in Karma. I accept that it is a force that operates somewhere out there in the universe, a force with the power to seriously mess your world up if you choose to run afoul of it by doing wrong to others.

Here's what I have learned about Karma. Karma is apparently a vapor, which can expand to fill a vacuum. Karma is omnipresent and omniscient, not like the Greek or Roman gods, because Karma cannot speak Greek or Latin, and Karma will not father multiple children with mortal women to create demi-Karmas.

Karma can be completely irrational, fickle, and often times has a quick temper.

If you have small children, this is the spoiler alert, although I don't know why you'd be letting them ready anything I have written. Karma has no province over children, because they are socially retarded, and do things that would constantly keep them on Karma's radar, thereby keeping Karma so busy that Karma could give its full attention to people who really need it. Karma does, however, gain jurisdiction with children around the time that they stop believing in Santa.

Karma operates something like a checking account. Your only hope is to keep your Karma balance in the positive. You worst case scenario should be a zero Karma balance, but it's always a good idea to keep a few Karma bucks laying around. Why? Because there is no Karma overdraft protection. If you're going to do something crappy that will cause a Karma debit, and you know that you're balance is close to zero, you'd better make sure that you make a quick good Karma deposit before you act like an a-hole, otherwise Karma will come knocking at your door. Remember that all Karma transactions made after 2 PM are also processed the next business day, although in in a few rare cases, Karma will inexplicably fast track a deduction just to keep you honest.

Karma is dishonest, so when it comes knocking at your door, it will often misrepresent itself as something else (like Publisher's Clearinghouse, or a land shark), to trick you into opening the door. Once Karma gets in, Karma will camp out on your couch like a down-on-its-luck relative who just needs a place to crash until it is good and ready to go.

Karma does not operate on a time table. If you've done something awful, and are not immediately smited by the vengeful hand of Karma, it is only because Karma is calculating the most painful and embarrassing scenario in which to take action.

Once Karma does finally get involved, it's best just to take your lumps and move on. Karma will finish with you when Karma is finished with you. Karma is like an artist or a master chef, it takes its time until it has completed its masterpiece.

Karma also does not respond well to challenges to its Karmahood. Utter the phrase, "It can't get any worse," when Karma is involved and Karma will prove to you how wrong you are. Car broke down? Bills piled up? Wife unhappy? Kids fighting? Neighbor burning tires while the wind is blowing towards your house? Complain about it to Karma, and you get all that plus a weekend of sitting on a toilet with explosive diarrhea while your upper body is wrapped around a trash can into which you've been vomiting for the last hour.

In the end, though, Karma wants love and approval. If you treat Karma right, Karma will always do right by you. So the next time you find yourself about to say something really awful about somebody else, or any number of other things that will draw the attention of Karma, remember two things. First, always check your Karma account. If you think it will cost you more than what you have in Karma equity, proceed at your own peril. Second, Karma can also read minds if you're thinking loudly enough. Feel free to post any questions you may have, as Karma and I have become very well acquainted over the years, and we have a good working relationship.