Happy New Years

I spent about an hour right before dinner looking for some labels that I last saw last weekend.  As I've gotten older, I have come to realize that my memory isn't what it used to be.  To complicate this, there are 5 other people in my household who are just as likely to move things around from where I last saw them, as I am to accidentally mislay them.  My general policy in dealing with all things missing is to blame others first, since the odds are 1 in 6 that I'm the culprit.  This time, the missing labels were on me, though, because I'm really the only one who uses them. 

With that in mind, I retraced my steps.  They usually sit by my basket of miscellaneous on top of my dresser in the bedroom.  I generally use them in either the garage or the shop.  Sometimes, I put them in a coat pocket when my hands are full.  Occasionally, I'll be distracted by something else while I have them, and they'll wind up getting packed into one of the vehicles, where I realize I still have them when I go to crank the motor.

Since today is New Years Eve, it's one of the two days a year that the Beaubiens don't change out of their pajamas.  So it was that I found myself outside in the cold in a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt, looking in the shop, garage, and under the seats of our vehicles.  It took about 15 minutes, and I was too stubborn to go back in to put on a coat because it was only going to take a few minutes and I was determined not to let Mother Nature win.  I almost instantly regretted not putting a coat on after sitting by a warm fireplace all day and we're at that time of the year in Western Kentucky where the weather fluctuates between the cool Monsoon rains, and hard freezes.  This morning the ground was in a state of partial thaw in places where the sun could reach.   

On the return trip in, I checked the pocket of the coat that I neglected to wear with no results, and then began to look through the house in a manner that was reminiscent of the Warden in Shawshank Redemption Andy Dufresne's cell.  Now, every step of the way, I was saying, "I wonder where those labels are."  My wife claimed not to hear me say it the hundred or so times that I repeated it. 

So, in a last ditch effort to find what I was looking for before dinner was on the table, I opted to enlist help and asked her directly if she had seen them.  Her reply, "I think they might have fallen behind the dresser."  This translates loosely to "I was doing something on the dresser, the labels fell behind the dresser, and I decided to just leave them there."  I located them about 8 inches from where I had left them, exactly where she said they would be.  I don't know whether to be upset that she let me look for an hour, or glad that I remembered where I had left them in the first place.  Since it was home made pizza night (she cooked and it was delicious), all transgressions are forgiven.  I'm in a pretty happy place right now.  Happy New Years!

Karma

I'm not overly superstitious. I don't shy away from black cats who would cross my path. I don't throw salt that I've spilled over my shoulder. Although I am slightly terrified of anything that moves in the dark, this is only because that thing is likely a bear, or a zombie. I think we can all agree that this fear is completely rational and justified.

I do, however, believe in Karma. I accept that it is a force that operates somewhere out there in the universe, a force with the power to seriously mess your world up if you choose to run afoul of it by doing wrong to others.

Here's what I have learned about Karma. Karma is apparently a vapor, which can expand to fill a vacuum. Karma is omnipresent and omniscient, not like the Greek or Roman gods, because Karma cannot speak Greek or Latin, and Karma will not father multiple children with mortal women to create demi-Karmas.

Karma can be completely irrational, fickle, and often times has a quick temper.

If you have small children, this is the spoiler alert, although I don't know why you'd be letting them ready anything I have written. Karma has no province over children, because they are socially retarded, and do things that would constantly keep them on Karma's radar, thereby keeping Karma so busy that Karma could give its full attention to people who really need it. Karma does, however, gain jurisdiction with children around the time that they stop believing in Santa.

Karma operates something like a checking account. Your only hope is to keep your Karma balance in the positive. You worst case scenario should be a zero Karma balance, but it's always a good idea to keep a few Karma bucks laying around. Why? Because there is no Karma overdraft protection. If you're going to do something crappy that will cause a Karma debit, and you know that you're balance is close to zero, you'd better make sure that you make a quick good Karma deposit before you act like an a-hole, otherwise Karma will come knocking at your door. Remember that all Karma transactions made after 2 PM are also processed the next business day, although in in a few rare cases, Karma will inexplicably fast track a deduction just to keep you honest.

Karma is dishonest, so when it comes knocking at your door, it will often misrepresent itself as something else (like Publisher's Clearinghouse, or a land shark), to trick you into opening the door. Once Karma gets in, Karma will camp out on your couch like a down-on-its-luck relative who just needs a place to crash until it is good and ready to go.

Karma does not operate on a time table. If you've done something awful, and are not immediately smited by the vengeful hand of Karma, it is only because Karma is calculating the most painful and embarrassing scenario in which to take action.

Once Karma does finally get involved, it's best just to take your lumps and move on. Karma will finish with you when Karma is finished with you. Karma is like an artist or a master chef, it takes its time until it has completed its masterpiece.

Karma also does not respond well to challenges to its Karmahood. Utter the phrase, "It can't get any worse," when Karma is involved and Karma will prove to you how wrong you are. Car broke down? Bills piled up? Wife unhappy? Kids fighting? Neighbor burning tires while the wind is blowing towards your house? Complain about it to Karma, and you get all that plus a weekend of sitting on a toilet with explosive diarrhea while your upper body is wrapped around a trash can into which you've been vomiting for the last hour.

In the end, though, Karma wants love and approval. If you treat Karma right, Karma will always do right by you. So the next time you find yourself about to say something really awful about somebody else, or any number of other things that will draw the attention of Karma, remember two things. First, always check your Karma account. If you think it will cost you more than what you have in Karma equity, proceed at your own peril. Second, Karma can also read minds if you're thinking loudly enough. Feel free to post any questions you may have, as Karma and I have become very well acquainted over the years, and we have a good working relationship.