How to Flush the Cooling System in a 2002 Ford Taurus

Most people who spend very much time with me learn very quickly that I am frugal.  Some would refer to my level of budget consciousness as being "cheap."  This is not the case.  I spend money, but I choose to do it on things that benefit the family as a whole.  I go out to eat at work for lunch about once a pay period.  I generally go someplace that my family refuses to eat, such as the local Chinese restaurant.  The rest of the time, I eat out of a cooler, which has been openly mocked by the attorneys that I work with at different times in my careet.  I spent about $20 on this cooler around 5 years ago.  The handle broke off of it a couple of years ago, so I lag screwed a strap to it so that I can still carry it around.  I pack it with me to trials.  My indigent clients have generally made fun of me for it over the years as well.  I get the last laugh, though, because it's probably saved me thousands of dollars in meals. 

Being a fiscal conservative, I also refuse to purchase new vehicle.  I own 3 vehicles.  All of them were purchased very used.  My mantra when it comes to automobiles is to drive them until the wheels fall off of them.  The crown jewel of our fleet is the 2006 Dodge Grand Caravan which the family has all but destroyed over the years.  We purchased our 2001 F-150 in 2009.  I purchased a 2002 Ford Taurus in 2007.  This is my work car.  It had about 94,000 miles on it when I bought it.  I'm at about 173,000 miles right now, and it's still running strong.  It's probably the best car that I've ever owned.  It's white and has 4 doors.  My office shares a parking lot with the University and college kids are afraid to park next to it out of fear it might burst into flames.  Still, it gets decent gas mileage, it used to be able to fit the entire family in a pinch, and it's been very reliable with two exceptions.

First, I seem to go through a starter about once a year.  This isn't as much an issue with the car as it is with me purchasing the cheapest remanufactured starter available.  The new starter usually has a year warranty, and generally fails about a year and a day after purchase.  I justify purchasing the cheapest starter by saying that I'm probably won't have the car next year.   The clerk usually tries to upsell me on the best model they have in stock, but their words fall on deaf ears as I stand at the counter fantasizing about blown motors and busted transmissions that will lead the Taurus to its next incarnation as soup can, and me to the car lot to purchase my next used vehicle.   I've done this little dance the last 3 years. There has been a silver lining to this, though.   I am getting pretty good at replacing starters.  Even in the mud, cold, and fading sunlight at the beginning of last month, I finished in just about an hour, and that included the trip into town to get the replacement part.  If things don't work out with my current job, and NASCAR ever decides to race nothing but the 2002 Ford Taurus, I'm pretty sure I could get on a pit crew as the guy who works on the ignition system.

Second, the Ford Taurus has a problem with heater core blockage.  I did not realize it when I bought the car.  If you don't flush the cooling system about once a year, the heater core clogs up with rust and other sediment, turning what is generally a pretty good heater into something that is the equivalent of trying to heat the cabin with a single lit candle.  When this happens, I spend several weeks in denial about the whole thing, as I huddle close to the heater vent on my way to work like Bob Crachit over the single piece of coal in the potbelly stove in the counting house of Scrooge and Marley.  If it was just me, I'd probably grin and bear it, but since I have to transport the kids, it's got to be fixed.  The last time we had this issue, the heater core had to be replaced.  The issue generally rears its ugly head during the coldest weather of the year.  Guess what today was.  Here's how the day broke down. 

7:30 AM  Breakfast with the wife and boys.  Over a meal of bacon and eggs, I explain to my wife what I plan on doing to the car.  She tells me that this sounds like a good project for the afternoon when it's likely to be warmer.  I respond that the weather for the afternoon is supposed to be cold and rainy, which would make working on the car in the driveway miserable.

8:00 AM  YouTube instructional video.  I love these things.  I don't know how we ever functioned without them.  You can learn how to do anything on Youtube.  Since apes have opposable thumbs and can use rudimentary tools, creating, uploading, and watching videos on YouTube are really the only things that separate us from them.

8:30 AM  Get dressed and head out.  It was in the mid-20's at the house, and the wind was whipping.  The ground was frozen hard.  I put on overalls, coveralls, and boots.  I spent about 15 minutes searching for a hat, which turned to be in the overall pocket.  I tracked down some gloves that were in the truck.  By this time, I've moved past the initial shock of stepping into the cold for the first time today.  I'm excited and eager to get started.  I bite my tongue about the delay I caused, and make a promise to myself to put things where they go the next time so they won't be so hard to find.

8:50 AM  Now that I have everything on and am starting to get acclimated to the cold, I realize that I have to use the bathroom.  No way I'm going to go outside on a day this cold.  Since I don't want to track dirt into the house, I take off all my outer clothing in the garage.  I use the facilities, and then put everything back on. 

9:05  AM  The opening incision.  I figured since I was up at 3 this morning watching re-runs of House, this sounds a little more dramatic than saying that I popped the hood.  I won't bore you all with all the details, so here's the Cliff's Notes version.  Some hoses have to be disconnected, compressed air has to be forced through the heater core in the opposite direction that the antifreeze typically flows, and then everything has to be hooked back up.  Since you're doing this, you might as well go ahead and just flush the whole system, which consists of draining the antifreeze, running some cleaner through the system, and refilling with new antifreeze. 

9:15 AM  I realize that this would be a lot easier if I have tools, so I walk down to my shop to get a pair of needle nose pliers, a crescent wrench, a drain pan, and a funnel.

9:25 AM  I start disconnecting hoses.  I have to figure out which way the coolant flows.  It's a 50-50 chance, which I end up getting wrong.  Also the hoses under my hood look nothing like the damned hoses in the video.  I also need a flathead screwdriver.   I trudge back down to the shop to get one.

9:35 AM  My wife and youngest boy have gone to the the grocery store, leaving me with my middle son at the house.  He was supposed to get dressed and come outside and "help" me, but has opted instead to stay inside and play.  This generally involves some form of video game, be it the Playstation, the Wii, or the computer.  I'm assuming he's set and playing until he shows up on the back porch in shorts and a t-shirt asking me to stop to turn on the computer for him.  He is also barefooted.  I think about the doctor bill I'll have to pay when he gets sick.  I refuse to turn the computer on for him and send him back in. 

9:40 AM  The hoses I need to get at are back behind the motor.  They have clamps on them that for some reason are turned in the opposite direction from where they could most easily be reached and I can't get at them.  I get them turned to where I can reach them, in the process, bloodying the knuckles on my right hand.  I move the clamps and try to slide the hoses off the fittings.  They won't budge, as if they're welded.  I mutter under my breath.  I replace the clamps.  I disconnect the hoses at a different point.  There is a bypass hose to the heater core.  This hose acts like it is welded to the fitting, too.  The video warned of this and recommended a silicon lubricant spray.  I have none of this.  I have a can of butter flavor canola cooking spray, but I forsee my wife's disapproving look when I tell her I used all her cooking spray to loosen a hose.  I give one more thought to using it because the heater vents will pull the butter smell into the cabin, making it smell delicious and buttery in the car, and then abandon the idea.  I will not be denied, though.  I use the flat head screwdriver to pry the hose from the fitting.  In the heat of the moment, I create a 1/4 inch slit in the hose near the end.  I curse, and in the process, drop the screwdriver into the dark recesses of the motor.  I spend the next few minutes locating the screwdriver and trying to fish it out from where it came to rest.  It falls to the ground under the car.  I retrieve it and assess the damage to the hose. Realizing that it is minor, I plug the bypass hose with my finger as I force air through the system, blowing out a bunch of crud from the heater core into an old milk jug.  In the process, I get antifreeze into the cuts on my knuckles, which actually stings more than you think it would.  I go inside to wash the antifreeze from the cuts and to turn the computer on for my son. 

10:20 AM  Heater core is back flushed, so it's time to drain the old antifreeze.  There's a plug on the bottom of the radiator that has to be removed.  The old antifreeze comes out through this opening.  Unfortunately, the plug is covered by a "skirt" that is attached by approximately 2 dozen bolts.  I discover this after watching another YouTube video.  Before I can do this, I have to wrestle the computer away from my son, who refuses to give it up.  His project for the day apparently is to give me a hard time every chance he gets.  When I finally get the computer, he still has the external mouse, which he is moving around.  This makes it impossible to operate the touchpad on the computer.  I unplug the mouse and tell him that if he wants to play on the computer again before he is old enough to have children of his own, he will let me do what I need to do.  After watching the video, I scowl at him, give him the laptop back, and I go back outside.  I crawl under the car.  The video did not mention that bolts have an odd size head, which would have saved me an unnecessary trip under the car.  I try to use the crescent wrench, but the bolts are also very long, and I'll spend all day just getting this off.  I make another trip down to the shop, this time saying some disparaging things about Henry Ford.

10:50 AM  System is flushed, time to add the cleaner.  The directions on the bottle say that the cleaner needs to run in they system at least 10 minutes, and up to 6 hours.  It also says that I should not let the system freeze.  Since it is still around freezing, and the only thing in my radiator is now this solvent and water, I call my wife to see when she will be home.  She says that she is about to leave the grocery store, and should be home way before lunch.  I decide to idle the car in the driveway until she gets home and then take it out on the road to give it a chance to flush at higher RPMS.  In the meantime, I eat cold pizza with my son.  The only pizza left is pepperoni, which he claims to hate, despite the fact that he'll burn through a bag of pepperoni pizza rolls.  I explain this to him.  He is unimpressed.  He begs me to take the pepperoni off of his pizza.  I explain to him that he has two functioning hands.  Again, he is unimpressed.  We finish lunch.

11:30 AM  After sitting in my car for 10 minutes waiting on my wife to get home and hiding from my tyrant son, I call my wife.  "I thought you said that you were on your way home.  I got worried about you."  She tells me that she would have called if anything was wrong.  She says that the store was busy because everyone is buying up all the milk and bread in preparation for the snowstorm.  I briefly contemplate buying stock in the local dairy company, and then go back to listening to sports talk radio.

11:40 AM  My wife arrives home.  The car has been idling for about 30 minutes now.  It's only a 6 cylinder, but I'm sure it's kicked out enough greenhouse gases to raise the outside temperature a full degree next summer.  Somewhere a polar bear sits panting on a small piece of ice in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.   Plus, I've burnt a gallon of gas, which is 3 dollars I'll never get back.  Never occurring to me to just turn the car off, I rush to help pack in groceries, and then get out on the road so as not to waste any more gas.   I run to town to do a few errands while the cleaner works its magic.

1:15 PM  I return home.  The heater seems to be working.  I pop the hood.  In my haste to get this job done as I am approaching hour 6 of a project that only took 10 minutes in the Youtube video, I crawl under the car and open the drain plug.  As the system begins to drain, I instantly remember the warning from the video about the water being hot.  Unfortunately, this is not before I scald my right hand and wrist.  I curse the gods.

1:45 PM  System is now completely flushed.  I move the car so I don't have to lay in the mud while I work under it.  I put everything back together.  I take the car for a drive to make sure everything is working right.  Mission accomplished.  I clean up my tools and take them back to the shed.  I put my gloves and hat somewhere.  I'm pretty sure I hung up my overalls, and my boots are resting by the door in garage, a few feet where they are supposed to go by the shoe rack that I built for everyone to put their shoes on.

"Don't believe everything you read on the internet."--Abraham Lincoln

2:15 PM  Things have gone better than I expected.  I decide to push my luck and see if anyone recycles used antifreeze.  The internet says Advance Auto Parts does.  Of course, the internet says a lot of things, so I decided to fact check.  I call the store in Mayfield.  I ask the guy who answers the phone.  He tells me no in much the same tone that you would expect someone to respond if you asked them if they'd like to share a needle to shoot IV drugs with a Haitian prostitute.  I thank him.  Not feeling nearly rejected enough, I call the Murray store and get much the same answer.   Turns out not everything on the internet is true.  By the way, it still isn't raining.  The sun warmed everything up to the low 40's by around 11, when basically everything was done.  It was a bright sunny day. 

Elapsed time:  6 hours 15 minutes
Estimated cost:  $ 18
Total Savings:  $60

Happy New Years

I spent about an hour right before dinner looking for some labels that I last saw last weekend.  As I've gotten older, I have come to realize that my memory isn't what it used to be.  To complicate this, there are 5 other people in my household who are just as likely to move things around from where I last saw them, as I am to accidentally mislay them.  My general policy in dealing with all things missing is to blame others first, since the odds are 1 in 6 that I'm the culprit.  This time, the missing labels were on me, though, because I'm really the only one who uses them. 

With that in mind, I retraced my steps.  They usually sit by my basket of miscellaneous on top of my dresser in the bedroom.  I generally use them in either the garage or the shop.  Sometimes, I put them in a coat pocket when my hands are full.  Occasionally, I'll be distracted by something else while I have them, and they'll wind up getting packed into one of the vehicles, where I realize I still have them when I go to crank the motor.

Since today is New Years Eve, it's one of the two days a year that the Beaubiens don't change out of their pajamas.  So it was that I found myself outside in the cold in a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt, looking in the shop, garage, and under the seats of our vehicles.  It took about 15 minutes, and I was too stubborn to go back in to put on a coat because it was only going to take a few minutes and I was determined not to let Mother Nature win.  I almost instantly regretted not putting a coat on after sitting by a warm fireplace all day and we're at that time of the year in Western Kentucky where the weather fluctuates between the cool Monsoon rains, and hard freezes.  This morning the ground was in a state of partial thaw in places where the sun could reach.   

On the return trip in, I checked the pocket of the coat that I neglected to wear with no results, and then began to look through the house in a manner that was reminiscent of the Warden in Shawshank Redemption Andy Dufresne's cell.  Now, every step of the way, I was saying, "I wonder where those labels are."  My wife claimed not to hear me say it the hundred or so times that I repeated it. 

So, in a last ditch effort to find what I was looking for before dinner was on the table, I opted to enlist help and asked her directly if she had seen them.  Her reply, "I think they might have fallen behind the dresser."  This translates loosely to "I was doing something on the dresser, the labels fell behind the dresser, and I decided to just leave them there."  I located them about 8 inches from where I had left them, exactly where she said they would be.  I don't know whether to be upset that she let me look for an hour, or glad that I remembered where I had left them in the first place.  Since it was home made pizza night (she cooked and it was delicious), all transgressions are forgiven.  I'm in a pretty happy place right now.  Happy New Years!

Karma

I'm not overly superstitious. I don't shy away from black cats who would cross my path. I don't throw salt that I've spilled over my shoulder. Although I am slightly terrified of anything that moves in the dark, this is only because that thing is likely a bear, or a zombie. I think we can all agree that this fear is completely rational and justified.

I do, however, believe in Karma. I accept that it is a force that operates somewhere out there in the universe, a force with the power to seriously mess your world up if you choose to run afoul of it by doing wrong to others.

Here's what I have learned about Karma. Karma is apparently a vapor, which can expand to fill a vacuum. Karma is omnipresent and omniscient, not like the Greek or Roman gods, because Karma cannot speak Greek or Latin, and Karma will not father multiple children with mortal women to create demi-Karmas.

Karma can be completely irrational, fickle, and often times has a quick temper.

If you have small children, this is the spoiler alert, although I don't know why you'd be letting them ready anything I have written. Karma has no province over children, because they are socially retarded, and do things that would constantly keep them on Karma's radar, thereby keeping Karma so busy that Karma could give its full attention to people who really need it. Karma does, however, gain jurisdiction with children around the time that they stop believing in Santa.

Karma operates something like a checking account. Your only hope is to keep your Karma balance in the positive. You worst case scenario should be a zero Karma balance, but it's always a good idea to keep a few Karma bucks laying around. Why? Because there is no Karma overdraft protection. If you're going to do something crappy that will cause a Karma debit, and you know that you're balance is close to zero, you'd better make sure that you make a quick good Karma deposit before you act like an a-hole, otherwise Karma will come knocking at your door. Remember that all Karma transactions made after 2 PM are also processed the next business day, although in in a few rare cases, Karma will inexplicably fast track a deduction just to keep you honest.

Karma is dishonest, so when it comes knocking at your door, it will often misrepresent itself as something else (like Publisher's Clearinghouse, or a land shark), to trick you into opening the door. Once Karma gets in, Karma will camp out on your couch like a down-on-its-luck relative who just needs a place to crash until it is good and ready to go.

Karma does not operate on a time table. If you've done something awful, and are not immediately smited by the vengeful hand of Karma, it is only because Karma is calculating the most painful and embarrassing scenario in which to take action.

Once Karma does finally get involved, it's best just to take your lumps and move on. Karma will finish with you when Karma is finished with you. Karma is like an artist or a master chef, it takes its time until it has completed its masterpiece.

Karma also does not respond well to challenges to its Karmahood. Utter the phrase, "It can't get any worse," when Karma is involved and Karma will prove to you how wrong you are. Car broke down? Bills piled up? Wife unhappy? Kids fighting? Neighbor burning tires while the wind is blowing towards your house? Complain about it to Karma, and you get all that plus a weekend of sitting on a toilet with explosive diarrhea while your upper body is wrapped around a trash can into which you've been vomiting for the last hour.

In the end, though, Karma wants love and approval. If you treat Karma right, Karma will always do right by you. So the next time you find yourself about to say something really awful about somebody else, or any number of other things that will draw the attention of Karma, remember two things. First, always check your Karma account. If you think it will cost you more than what you have in Karma equity, proceed at your own peril. Second, Karma can also read minds if you're thinking loudly enough. Feel free to post any questions you may have, as Karma and I have become very well acquainted over the years, and we have a good working relationship.